Self-defeating behaviours are behaviours that steer you away from achieving the goals that you have set for yourself. These behaviours may include unwillingly choosing to suffer, fear of success, or even undermining your true potential. Not only are these behaviours distracting and self-sabotaging, but they can also cause you to feel mentally exhausted and bad about yourself. Some theorists have suggested that self-defeating behaviours serve as a defence mechanism, allowing you to think that these behaviours are executed to help you cope with stress, external pressure, and societal demands. On the other hand, some theorists have suggested that self-defeating behaviours restricts and confines an individual to stay within their comfort zones. For example, individuals with a lack of confidence or a low self-esteem may sabotage a career opportunity if they feel like they are not good enough or undermine their capabilities to perform well in a certain job. 

Common types of self-defeating behaviours may include self-criticism; where you would evaluate yourself negatively, comparing yourself to others; often focusing on what others can do better than you, self-pity; where you constantly feel sorry for yourself, and in some cases, even risky behaviours such as under or over-eating, self-injurious behaviours, and substance abuse. Although some of these self-defeating behaviours may appear to look or sound like they are controllable or easy to overcome, however a lot of individuals often feel as though these behaviours are difficult to resist especially if they have been engaging in them for months or years. So, what can you do if you find yourself engaging in self-defeating behaviours?

The first thing that you can do is to identify the list of behaviours in your life that you think are getting in the way of reaching your goals. Some of them can be healthy, such as perfectionism since this behaviour would most often push a lot of us to perform to the best of our abilities, but some of them can be really unhealthy, so it is important to identify these unhealthy behaviours and to start examining how they have been impacting your life. At this stage, we may try to rationalize these unhealthy behaviours, but having a certain level of insight on the negative impact of these behaviours are a vital step in changing them. Having a self-reminder to remain kind to yourself is also beneficial in boosting your self-esteem instead of being overly critical which can end up jeopardizing your self-concept. Next, practice being mindful about the present moment; this can help you to be more aware of your emotions and behaviours that are causing you to feel negatively about yourself or are keeping you from attaining your goals. Engaging in self-reflection through methods such as journaling can also help you identify healthy and unhealthy behaviours and can be a great way for you to track these behaviours and the context in which they frequently occur.

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And lastly, seek for professional help whenever you can. Scheduling an appointment with a counsellor or a psychologist can serve as a very important step in diminishing your unhealthy behaviours. A psychologist would be able to create a safe space for you to explore these behaviours and help you identify any triggers that would lead to your self-defeating behaviours. And most importantly, they would be able to provide you with tools to help replace these behaviours with healthier options, so you can continue to live fulfilling lives!

Written by: Kiranjeet Kaur (MPS Psychological Services Intern) 

References:

Arnold, K. D. (2012). Building a Happy Life: Five Ways to Change Your Self-Defeating Habits. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-older-dad/201208/building-happy-life-five-ways-change-your-self-defeating-habits

Baumeister, R. F., & Scher, S. J. (1988). Self-defeating behaviour patterns among normal individuals: Review and analysis of common self-destructive tendencies. Psychological Bulletin, 104(1), 3-22. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.104.1.3